


Red Lights

by Play_Rehearsal



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Basic Party Stuff, Car Accidents, Dreams and Nightmares, Drunk Driving(?), Hospitals, Kinda, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Squip, Underage Drinking, halloween party
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-14 23:25:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11218413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Play_Rehearsal/pseuds/Play_Rehearsal
Summary: One year since the first real SQUIP incident. One year since Jake’s house was burnt to a crisp before the fire trucks could get there. One year since Michael lost some trust in Jeremy he could never gain back.--The kids host a Halloween party at Chloe's house this year, things go downhill from there.





	1. The Party

One year since the first real SQUIP incident. One year since Jake’s house was burnt to a crisp before the fire trucks could get there. One year since Michael lost some trust in Jeremy he could never gain back.

Now, it was only half an hour until Jeremy and Michael were supposed to show up at their senior year Halloween party. They were both at Jeremy’s, getting the final touches on their costumes done. Their conversation had turned into dull noise, Michael’s voice fading in and out of Jeremy’s ears.

"-never even been to Chloe’s house before, so-"

Jeremy turned to look at the other, watching him talk while staring into the mirror. He spoke with his hands and an expressive face. Something about being nervous about the party; he didn’t really know. He was wearing a green cap and tunic, adorned by a sword-holder along with satchels and belts. Jeremy himself was wearing a torn up shirt and pants with fake gashes and blood all over himself. Michael was surprisingly good at makeup, so Jeremy decided to make a mental note to have Michael on the makeup crew for theatre. Things had changed for the theatre group at Middleborough ever since the SQUIP incident. Some kids declared the department was haunted, daring others to join in. This, according to Christine, might have been what saved the department. Even if Jeremy didn't like the new kids butting into his group of friends, he could hardly stay mad when seeing Christine so happy.

He hoped he'd be able to see her that happy at the party. Christine always managed to bring a good mood everywhere with her when she wore her smile, Jeremy didn't know how he ever lived without it.

Even though they were no longer dating, the two still cared very deeply for each other. It was a mutual breakup, ending with Christine realizing she still had some self-discovery to do and Jeremy understanding that, no matter how amazing and wonderful Christine was, she couldn't be the unimaginably perfect person he convinced himself she was all those months ago. After they broke up, they felt even closer than when they were dating. They were free to be their own, whole person and no longer have to be two halves of one whole. That didn't mean Christine wouldn't drop in on Jeremy and Michael's gaming nights every once in awhile, though. The boys quickly figured out that Christine was a lot better at games than she'd lead on. This lead to many controllers being flung across the room in frustration, Jeremy normally being the one doing the throwing. Not only was Michael officially Player One, but now Christine was creaming both of them at Smash Bros and Mario Kart on the daily.

Despite his thinking, Jeremy's eyes stayed fixed on the other, carefully watching how Michael’s eyes scanned over his own reflection. He took in every detail of the other boy's actions, as if trying to understand how Michael worked. It was like he got trapped in a trance while he stared blankly at him, analyzing every small movement. How his hand nervously pushed through his hair while the same, dopey smile stayed attached to his lips. How his breath fogged up the mirror when he got too close-

No. Not tonight. He couldn’t think like this tonight. This was supposed to be a fun, carefree party. He could not ruin tonight by trying to act on his wants.

"Jeremy, how do I look?"

He needed a drink as soon as he got there.

 

* * *

 

Ten minutes early. At least, that’s what Michael kept telling him.

"Jer, come on dude! You know my whole deal about being fashionably late. That’s what I always-" 

"Since when do _you_ care about what other people think about you?" The thought had been gnawing at Jeremy for a while now, but, as soon as the words were said, they were regretted. Michael fell silent, his eyes fixed ahead of him and his fists tight around the steering wheel of the car. Jeremy never really was comfortable with driving.

He took this moment to finally look at Chloe’s house. It was… _huge_. No, that would be an understatement. Jeremy knew the girl had money, but he didn’t know she had this kind of money. What did her parents even do, again? He remembered something about her mom staying at home and her dad always being at work, but nothing specific.

The moments of silence seemed to last forever before a laughing sound broke it.

"Yeah, you’re right. Screw ‘em, huh?" The larger boy was grinning at the smaller one, but something about it seemed... off. The laugh seemed forced, and so did the laugh. Jeremy shook off the feeling, it was probably just his nerves talking after all.

"Screw 'em," he repeated, "Now are you going to let me out of this car, or am I your hostage until we're 'fashionably late'?"  He laughed under his breath, rubbing the back of his neck.

Michael only responded by nodding and unlocking the car doors, waiting for Jeremy to get out before moving at all.

This was weird.

 _Everything_ felt weird.

He should say-

"Jeremy! Michael!"

Three people came bounding out of the house, arms open wide, instantly capturing the boys in a group hug. They were almost instantly identifiable, even in the blur that was the last minute. 

Christine was the first one Jeremy noticed. Who else wore realistic costumes to a Halloween party? She was dressed as some sort of Greek goddess, white fabric flying everywhere as the small girl wrapped her arms around the two boys. Christine was nice, she was always there whenever anyone needed her and seemed to have her own life put together pretty nicely. She was balancing practices for about three theatre groups at a time, she really was the most amazing person Jeremy knew.

Then there was Rich, also identifiable due to his height and muscle mass. His consume was instantly recognizable, unlike Christine’s. He was dressed up as Ghostface, only his mask was hanging on his back so he could join in on the group hug. The three boys, Jeremy, Rich, and Michael, had grown close after the whole ordeal. It turned out that saving someone’s life brings you two closer together, and sharing a traumatic experience does the same. They would get together after school most days, just playing video games and maybe smoking a bit. Nothing out of the regular. The taller boys’ houses were like a safe haven for Rich, who had told the two that he didn’t have the most amazing family life.

Finally, there was Jake. Again, height was a huge giveaway. The guy was a giant, and his pale makeup made him even more noticeable. No guessing needed, the boy was dressed up as a vampire. Jeremy said something about being monster twins, and that zombies and vampires are a dynamic duo, but it got lost in the roar of music. Jake really wasn’t as big of an asshole as he made himself out to be, which was made evident by the huge apology he gave Christine after the whole ordeal last year. He still was significantly cooler than most of Jeremy’s friends, but that basically came with being on the football team in your senior year of high school.

This was clearly bigger than the small house party the two boys were told about.

"Guys, we were so worried you weren’t going to show up!" Jeremy elbowed Michael in the ribs, still watching Christine as she spoke. "Jenna was convinced you two were dead or something. I had a whole funeral planned and everything!"

"Well, we weren’t _that_ worried. I kinda assumed you had… _other_ plans." The innuendo was so glaringly obvious in Rich’s words, leading to flushed faces from Michael and Jeremy along with a loud, obnoxious laugh from Jake and a smack on the arm from Christine. "Hey! First off, ow! Calm down, Ronda Rousey! Second, are we going to go inside or just stay out here the whole night?"

"You’re totally right, Rich. I’m heading back in, you nerds can follow me if you want." With that, Jake was gone. Instantly, Rich pointed in Jake’s direction and made a peace sign before running after him. That left Christine, Michael, and Jeremy alone outside of the party.

"I can’t believe the sun hasn’t even set yet. Chloe said that I’m not allowed to go home until tomorrow, and that’s pretty concerning." The girl’s laugh floated around in the air for a moment before she clapped her hands together, grinning. "Well, I’m going to head inside. There’s dancing and singing to be done! See you guys later, yeah?" She was gone before either of them could answer.

Silence filled the air.

"I bet half of the people here won’t even recognize my costume," Michael started, laughing under his words, "Either that or they’ll call me Zelda. Those uneducated buffoons."

Jeremy nodded, running a hand through his hair. "If anyone calls you Zelda I’ll punch them in the face. Promise." The two stood there for a moment, laughing. "So, let’s head inside!"

"Right- yeah. Don’t get too drunk, we still need to drive home." The taller boy started to follow behind Jeremy, fiddling with his phone in one of his pockets.

The house reeked of alcohol; there were mobs of kids as far as the eye could see. At first, Jeremy knew who everyone was. Jake, Dustin, Rich, so on and so forth. However, eventually, he stopped recognizing people. Were they even in high school? Some of them looked pretty old. Then again, you never know. The music was so loud, he could basically feel the room shaking as it reverberated through his ears. Michael yelled something to him about going deaf, but the music swallowed his words whole.

 _"What?"_ Jeremy yelled as loud as he could muster, tilting his head to the side.

Michael mouthed something about _'having to go'_ and gestured to the bathroom. Jeremy sent him a thumbs up. Then, Michael was gone, lost somewhere in the crowd. Instantly, someone else’s arm was around Jeremy’s shoulders. He turned to see who it was but instead was greeted by a cup filled with what could probably pass for rocket fuel.

"Buddy! You think you can come here and not drink something? Loosen up a bit, Jerry!" Jake. No one else was that tall with that much of an _I’m-a-high-school-quarterback_ voice. His breath was laced with liquor. Who knows how many drinks the boy already had.

"I’m not very much of a-"

The cup was forced into his hands and towards his lips. Whatever kind of alcohol it was, it burned a trail into his throat. His fingertips tingled as he brought the cup back to his lips, drinking the rest. It burned, but it felt _so_ good to see Jake staring at him in awe.

"Not much of a drinker my ass, dude!" He slapped Jeremy on the shoulder before vanishing back into the crowd.

Two drinks in, Jeremy found himself taking a picture of Chloe and Brooke for their Instagram accounts. The devil and angel costumes were overdone, but he’d be lying if he said they didn’t look good. They laughed and spoke with him for a while, thanking him for showing up and other things like that. He decided to find someone else to talk to when they started making out on the stairs.

Three drinks in, Jeremy was talking with Rich and he could already hear his words slurring together. He was a huge lightweight and he never drank with Michael. Their substance of choice had always been weed, so he never really developed an alcohol tolerance. The two of them were laughing way too hard at stupid things, making fun of the freshman who snuck into the party and were making themselves look like fools. Their costumes were absolutely horrid and their flirting skills were even worse, the alcohol was definitely not working in those poor kids’ favour. Someone tapped Jeremy on his shoulder, trying to get his attention, but he was too busy laughing about some guy running into the wall to notice.

A few minutes later, Christine came over to Jeremy. He’d never seen her drink before and this didn’t seem any different. When she leaned close to speak to him, her breath wasn’t full of alcohol. Her presence made him feel warm and safe. "Hey- Jer! Come on, you’re dancing with me."

Small but mighty were the first words that came to mind when Christine pulled Jeremy up off of the couch and started moving his arms around in a pseudo-dance. She was mouthing the lyrics- or was she singing? He couldn’t tell -while jumping around. He couldn’t help but smile, but he did try his best to hide it. "Christine Canigula, I did not consent to this I look like an idiot in front of all of these freshman and-" 

 _"Jeremy,"_ She stopped jumping around, holding his hands in hers between them, "You need to relax! We’re at a party, loosen up a bit."

He took in the words before nodding slowly, beginning to dance with Christine again.

 

* * *

  

Two hours and four drinks later, Jeremy made his way into the bathroom so he could get some air. Shutting the door behind himself and locking it, he stood in front of the mirror and examined himself. God, he looked _horrible,_ and it wasn’t just because he was dressed as a zombie. Honestly, he could probably pass as a monster without all of the makeup. He let out a hollow laugh, running a hand through his hair.

"Jeremy?"

The boy turned around quickly, grabbing his head after to stabilize himself. The world was still spinning, but the blurry figure on the other side of the room was very easily identified.

"Michael?"

There was a pause, then a laugh. "How drunk are you? I mean- I’m drunk too, but at least I can talk."

Jeremy thought the question over, but didn’t have a proper answer. How drunk _was_ he, exactly? He offered a shrug, sitting up on the counter. At least the world wasn’t spinning anymore. He would follow Michael’s question with another question. "Why do you always end up in the bathroom at parties?"

This was followed by a longer pause. "I don’t know. Why’d you ignore me for the past hour?" Michael stepped in front of the mirror, examining himself. Jeremy could feel his heart rate pick up due to the sudden closeness. He promised himself he wouldn’t do this tonight. He promised himself. He promised himself. He can’t think about Michael this way. Why does he always think about Michael this way? His hands tightened around the sink counter,

"Ignored you? What do you mean? I haven’t seen you since you said you had to pee!" There was a certain aggression to his tone that he wished he could take back. He had missed Michael, he wondered where he’d been for the entire party.

"I tried to talk to you like, every half hour, man! You were too busy getting drunk with Rich and flirting with Chloe and dancing with Christine and-" Jeremy cut him off.

"I’m- I’m sorry, Mike." His words were small, weak. An admittal of mistake.

Michael stared at him blankly for a moment, taking in the words. He was clearly also under the influence, his hat was gone and his hair was a mess, his cheeks burning a bright shade of red from the alcohol. After processing the words, he nodded very slowly. "It’s okay, I’m just jealous, I guess."

The shorter boy let out a laugh. "Jealous? Are you serious? Why would you be jealous of me?"

"I’m not jealous of you!" That was received by a confused expression from Jeremy, prompting Michael to explain. "I’m jealous of Rich. Of Jake, of Chloe, of Christine, of Brooke and Jenna too, shit, man! Even Dustin, who knows! I’m jealous that I’ve known you for over thirteen years, longer than _anyone_ here has known you, and you’d still rather spend your time with them."

A moment.

A pause.

"You’re jealous of them… because I like them more than you?" Michael nodded. "You’re jealous of- Holy shit." He let out a hollow laugh, running a hand through his hair as he shook his head. "Holy shit."

"What? Is that not valid? You’re my-" 

"Michael. Michael Mell. Michael, _I-got-a-Pacman-tattoo-because-Jeremy-wouldn’t_ Mell. Do you really think I’d ever choose any of them over you?"

"Well, you did when-" 

"When my mind was being controlled by a computer that’s only goal was to spread itself while using me as a host to propel that spread. I _care_ about you, Michael. Fuck, I cared about you _so_ much."

"I care about you t-"

Jeremy seemed to enjoy cutting Michael off a lot when drunk. " _No,_ Michael. I care about you so much. I was so upset when you weren’t there during the party, I thought you were mad at me! I fucking-" He took a deep breath, staring Michael dead in the eyes. God, he would stare at him forever if he could. Normally he wouldn’t do anything like this, but the alcohol was saying that he should. "I _like_ you, Michael. I’ve liked you since seventh grade, when you punched that dude in the face because he said I was a loser and took my lunch. He totally pummeled you, but I helped you and brought you back to my place where my dad got a med kit and- Jesus, Michael, I-"

"Can I kiss you?" The other boy’s voice cracked in the middle of the sentence, his face dangerously close to the other’s. 

For a moment, Jeremy could’ve sworn he was stone cold sober. With Michael staring into his eyes, hovering inches away from his nose, he looked beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that it was too exquisite for Jeremy to describe or even comprehend. He’d imagined Michael asking this so many times, but he never thought it would actually happen. 

"How drunk are you?" Jeremy himself was already quite drunk, but he didn’t know exactly how much Michael had drank. He wasn’t as big of a light weight as Jeremy was, but he wasn’t a drinking expert either. He didn’t want to have his first kiss with Michael when neither of them would remember it the next day. 

Michael pulled back, no longer leaning towards Jeremy. "So you don’t want me to kiss you. Okay, that’s fine, I just thought-" Jeremy grabbed his shirt, clinging to it for dear life as he pulled him closer, closing the gap between them. His shirt was soft, soft and warm. So were Michael’s lips. At first, Michael didn’t do anything, probably due to shock. But, after a moment, one arm had wrapped around Jeremy’s waist and the other hand was threading itself through his hair.

Eventually, Michael pulled away for air. "Did we just-?"  

With a small laugh, Jeremy nodded. "I think we did."

"That was…" He trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck. All Jeremy wanted to do was pull Michael back towards him and kiss him for the rest of the night, but that probably wasn’t the best idea. It especially wasn't a particularly great idea considering the fact that they were in the bathroom at a party that half of the school was at. He was going to have to come up with a good excuse for being in there with Michael in the first place, any longer and people would start to get some ideas. 

"...Really gay." Jeremy finished his sentence for him, followed by laughter from both of the boys. "So, let’s go see if Rich and Jake are making out yet?" The two had gotten pretty close earlier, and ever since Rich came out as bi and Jake came out as pan, the idea of those two getting together seemed a lot more likely than it ever had been.

"Woah, woah, woah! Those two are dating?" Michael’s face was an odd mix of shock and… happiness? "...because, if so, Jenna owes me twenty dollars."

Of course, that was what made him happy about the situation.

 

* * *

 

When Chloe told Christine that they weren’t leaving until it was the next day, she wasn’t kidding. The boys left the washroom, finding their way back to their friends. Christine was talking to Jenna, who was wearing a green shirt with cacti on it as her _"costume"._ Rich was cheering on Jake as he chugged some sort of liquid, with Brooke and Chloe filming it on both of their phones behind the two. They welcomed Michael and Jeremy with open arms, glad to see that both of them were alive. No one but Rich noticed the two boys holding hands.

They stayed like that for hours, mindlessly laughing and talking about everything yet nothing. They were being teenagers, they were having fun. Jenna snapped a picture of Rich and Jake kissing in the kitchen when they’d said they had to grab something to drink. Brooke’s snapchat story was full of pictures of Chloe in her devil costume, and Chloe’s snapchat story was full of pictures of Brooke in her angel costume. They’d been dating for almost half a year now, but they were still in that sickly sweet, honeymoon phase.

Eventually, it was time for them to leave. Jeremy hadn’t had a drink since he ran into Michael in the bathroom earlier, but he couldn’t say the same thing for the others. That left him as the designated driver for not only Michael and him, but also Christine, Brooke, and Rich since their rides, Chloe and Jake, were extremely drunk. Jenna was driving Jake home since he lived in her direction, but everyone else lived somewhere along the way to Jeremy’s house.

They all packed into Michael’s seat, Christine calling shotgun before anyone else even thought of that. This left Michael and Brooke with window seats in the back and Rich squished in between them.

"Why am _I_ the one who’s stuck in the bitch seat?" Rich groaned, bucking in his seat belt. Everyone in the car turned to face him.

Brooke was finally the one to ask the question, "The bitch seat?"

There was a moment when Rich looked at her like she was crazy. "Yeah, the bitch seat." Everyone was still staring at him. "It’s the middle seat in the- Okay, you know what? Let’s just go. Hit the gas, Jer."

That he did.

How many times had he driven a car before?  

Did he even have his full license?  

He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember a lot of things.

Christine was turned around in her seat, talking to Brooke about some piece of gossip Jenna was talking about earlier, while Michael and Rich were talking about the latest game. Jeremy kept his eyes on the road, answering a question every once in awhile. 

"Jeremy, didn’t you think Chloe’s costume was super cute?" 

"Mhmm."

"Jeremy, what did you think of my scream costume?" 

"Unoriginal, but you pulled it off nicely for a short guy."

"Jeremy, slow down!"

"Mhmm." 

Wait. What?

His eyes focused again, just in time to find himself in the middle of an intersection during a red light. Time seemed to freeze as he suddenly became aware of the car heading straight towards them, probably trying to make a left turn. Someone screamed, maybe it was him, but it quickly faded away, replaced by a dull ringing that echoed through his ears. It was as if he was watching it all happen: The other car ran straight into the front of theirs, shattering the windows and windshield on contact and sending glass flying everywhere.

Everything went quiet.

His vision started to blur as a small glow started to appear at the front of the car. Someone- no, multiple people were screaming, but everything sounded so distant, and Jeremy felt so tired. So, so tired.

Then, everything went black.


	2. The Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'd just like to really quickly apologize!! I was unable to update for the summer because I was at camp and then school started and.. wow, I really underestimated the amount of work I'd get. But, here we are! Enjoy!

It was all so bright. Everything was so, so bright. A constant beeping noise echoed through his ears, but it sounded so distant. Everything sounded and felt distant other than the all-encompassing light that woke him up. Bringing his hand up to his forehead, a static feeling was all that resulted from the touch. Unfortunately, the blissful numbness did not spread to the rest of the boy’s body, for, instead, a splitting pain was now a constant feeling from deep within his leg. He couldn't even assess where he was, much less why his leg was in pain. It was as if someone had pressed reset, erasing everything except for the here and now of memories. How long had it been? He still felt so tired. Maybe if he just slept a little bit more…

The brightness and beeping were back, but they didn’t seem as intense this time. He was getting used to using his senses again. Was someone talking to him? Yes, someone was definitely talking to him. He couldn’t exactly make out any words, though. Everything felt so heavy. There was a blanket on top of him, he could feel it weighing down over his whole body. Where was he? The off-whites and pale-blues of the room meshed together into one blur, leaving no identifying features to be seen.

“Jeremy?”

The voice was suddenly louder. It was a girl speaking, a girl he knew. Looking to his left, bright yellows and blues popped out of the dull nothingness of the rest of the room. Small patterns of white and green were woven into what Jeremy assumed was the girl’s blue shirt. Her yellow sweater fell loosely over her shoulders, partially covered by long cascades of blonde hair. He felt so tired, maybe if he just-

“Jeremy- oh my god, you’re awake!”

Was that Brooke? Why was- oh.

Memories came flashing back to Jeremy’s mind. 

At first, it was his friends. It was Brooke’s scream, Michael’s yell for help, Rich’s brace for impact, Christine’s arm reaching out to grab the steering wheel from him. Then, it was light. It was the red light suddenly registering, the headlights from the other car, the glowing from the front of the car after the crash, the mixture of red and blue lights coming towards them when Jeremy’s entire body had gone numb. Finally, it was sounds. It was Rich’s deep inhale before the other car hit theirs, the sound of metal grinding against metal as the cars slightly shifted after the impact, Christine’s shallow and infrequent breaths as she laid limp in the passenger seat, Michael’s small whimper in pain after he slammed his head against both his and Jeremy’s chair, Brooke-

Brooke was still talking.

“Jeremy, come on, please, stay with me-”

He very slowly opened his eyes, immediately wincing due to the intense lights in the room. Once he gave his eyes time to adjust, he turned to look at Brooke. She looked… tired. It was evident from the bags under her eyes that she hadn’t slept, but the way a loose smile made its way to her face filled him with an odd sort of comfort. The static numbness faded to a warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest. Brooke wasn't mad.

The fuzzy feeling didn’t last for long, though, as Jeremy quickly realized the pain that was tearing apart his leg. Looking forward, he was greeted by the lovely view of his leg being held up into the air by some sort of contraption. Broken, obviously. He opened his mouth to say something, but his vocal chords felt raw. The girl seemingly picked up on this.

“Hey! Hey- it’s okay. No need to talk. It’s just good to know that you’re, like, alive.” She sounded relieved, as if her happiness stemmed from Jeremy simply being conscious. Was it really that easy to make her happy? He couldn’t remember. “Is there anything you want to know?” A pause. “Oh. Right. No talking. Sorry-” She brushed a strand of hair out of her face with her- Did she have a cast on her arm? A pale, off-white wrap was firmly sealed around the blonde’s arm, weaving through her fingers as well. He instantly pointed to the wrap, shooting her a questioning look.

Brooke let out a soft laugh, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her feet on the chair. “Yeah, funny story, actually-” Another laugh cut off her words, but this one seemed more forced. “When the cars made the impact, I tried to brace myself and protect my head from hitting the chair. Turns out that wasn’t the best idea because now I’ve got a broken arm. It broke as soon as it hit the chair in front of me.” She sent him a weary smile before shrugging and mumbling, “Whoops? As soon as I got it I asked if I could come and visit you, but they wouldn’t let me until now. Comfy hospital room, huh?”

The girl started rambling on about how Jenna, Chloe, and Jake were so worried about everyone and Jeremy used this time to examine his room with his new-found, proper vision. It was almost entirely bland, nothing to differentiate it from every other room in this damn place except for a bouquet of flowers that was lying over three _“Get well soon!”_ cards. He wanted to ask who sent them but was cut off by the door swinging open. The room fell silent as Brooke had a silent exchange with the new person in the room, the figure staying just out of Jeremy’s view. The tapping of a pen against a clipboard put him under the assumption that it was a doctor, but he might never know.

After a few moments that felt like an eternity, Brooke stood up before squeezing Jeremy’s arm, spouting goodbyes and apologies as she rushed out of the room.

He was alone again.

The room would have been completely silent if not for the cold beeping of his heart monitor and the distant ticking of a clock. His eyes fluttered shut as the blanket began to feel more and more heavy. No, it wasn’t the blanket. There was a feeling in his chest, weighing him down and pulling him deeper and deeper into himself until he drowned. He tried to scream and call for help, but his body remained completely still. It was filling up his veins, running through his body until it consumed his every thought. Making him heavy as if it were lead replacing his blood, but burning him up as it passed, Jeremy couldn’t help but wonder if this would be the end of him. But suddenly, it was gone. It left him feeling cold and alone, which was his unfortunate reality at the moment. His vision was blurring, swirling, distorting. The room tilted and transformed until it was nothing like the hospital room he laid in just moments before. Slowly losing consciousness again, he sought out solace in slumber. Sadly, he wasn’t that lucky.

 

* * *

 

_At first, everything seemed normal. He was back in the party. Everyone was laughing, singing, dancing, and drinking like it was the end of the world. They were all having fun. Jeremy made his way to a counter in the kitchen, sitting up on it and watching the party from there. He knew he had to drive later, and he wanted to be as sober as possible when that time came. God forbid anything happened to them while he was driving._

_After a few minutes, Michael came to join him. He stood in front of Jeremy, cupping a hand around his cheek before connecting their lips. He reeked of alcohol. His touch left Jeremy’s skin burning, and not it the good way. He pushed Michael away, a bit harsher than intended, only to realize that Michael wasn’t the reason the room was so hot. Flames were spreading across the kitchen, only silhouettes of his friends were visible through the flames in the next room. He reached out to grab Michael but- what?_

_Michael was slowly backing into the flames, a hand reached out for Jeremy. “Michael, what are you-”_

_“Don’t you want to join us, Jeremy?” Michael’s mouth moved, but multiple voices erupted from it. Words hissed through his parted lips and stung deep into Jeremy like snake poison. “This is your fault, after all.”_

_His fault? What did that even mean? Before he had time to think over the question, Michael grabbed his hand and pulled him into the flames. First, he felt numb. It was as if nothing was touching him at all, as if he was floating. Then, the pain came. It was an indescribable type of pain, something that engulfed his entire being. It burned within him, escaping in the form of a scream. He coiled in on himself, an attempt to make himself as small as possible. He was so hot, and the floor was so hot, everything was hot. He couldn’t ground himself because everything felt horribly similar. He was drowning in the flames. Had anyone even heard the scream? Ominous shadows loomed over him, staring down at him and mumbling barely coherent phrases._

_“Jeremy, you did this to us.”_

_“Jeremy, we don’t want to die here.”_

_“Jeremy, we-”_

_“Jeremy-”_  

 

* * *

 

“Jeremy!”

He shot up in his chair, looking around the room. There was no fire and no heat, just the sensation of a hand gripping his arm. The voice was feminine, instantly causing Jeremy to assume it was Brooke, but a flash of brown hair made him rethink that assumption.

“Jesus Christ, Jeremy. I thought you were, like, dying, or something. The nurse would’ve actually murdered me if you were any louder.” Chloe. It was Chloe talking. Her just over shoulder length brown hair fell in messy piles over the green-eyed girl’s shoulders, the first time Jeremy had ever seen Chloe Valentine’s hair at an anything but a perfect state. She quickly pulled her hand off of his arm when she saw him staring at her. “What? Did you not think I came to see if you guys were okay? I wrote that letter for you-” Her eyes flicked to the table, then back to Jeremy, “-that you haven’t even opened yet. That’s fine. Brooke told me that you were out of it when she left the room. Can you talk yet?”

There was a moment of silence before Jeremy croaked out a quiet, “Yeah.” He coughed immediately after, but at least it was progress.

“Awesome!” A beat. “Is there anyone you want to know about? I mean, Jenna and Jake got home safely from what I’ve heard, but finding out that you guys were in an accident over the morning news left us all pretty messed up. I’m assuming you’ve only heard from Brooke so far, right?” He nodded. “Okay, so who do you want to hear about?”

After a moment to think, Jeremy pointed to the _“Get well soon!”_ cards. “Who wrote those? They’ve been there since Brooke visited me.”

The brunette allowed her eyes to shift to the cards, shrugging slightly. “Well, one’s from me. I suggest you read that when I’m not here because that’s, like, super taboo and awkward. The one under it, yellow with sunflowers on it, is from Jenna. Jake didn’t send a card, but he is in the waiting room if you want to see him.” After only getting a shrug from Jeremy as a response, Chloe nodded and mumbled, “Yeah, I figured.”

Silence weaved its way into the air as Chloe pushed a hand through her hair and Jeremy was reminded of the utter madness of the situation. Chloe Valentine, a girl whom he had become very close with, a girl who the entire school in equal measures loved, hated, and feared, was sitting with him in a hospital room because he was _stupid_ enough to _drink_ and drive and-

“Excuse me, Miss Valentine?” A figure made its way into the bright room, lingering just outside of Jeremy’s sight line. Suddenly drained of his energy, all the boy could do was watch Chloe. “I need to have a few words with you, outside if that’s alright.” The voice sounded formal, forcing the assumption that it was a doctor speaking. Chloe gave one final look to Jeremy, taking his hand and squeezing it, before getting up and leaving the room. 

Even high school queens surrender their perfect facade sometimes.

On the other side of the door, a faint argument could be heard that ended with soft, muffled sobs, but Jeremy didn’t even realize it. Within moments, he was asleep again, floating alone in the darkness of his mind.

 

* * *

 

_This time, the Heere boy wasn’t greeted by sorrow and pain in his dreams. No, it was quite the opposite. The gang was sitting in a field, greens and oranges blurring together in the vast horizon. People were laughing, shoving each other around a bit, but a calm silence washed over the group when Christine pointed to the sun. It was beautiful, more beautiful than Jeremy remembers it ever being. The blues in the sky meshing with the pink and orange glow from the sun, causing the clouds to become an almost-purple colour._

_“Goodbye junior year, hello senior year,” Jenna mumbled quietly in the back, leaning over Christine’s shoulder. Rich turned around, whacking her arm and grumbling something about school just ending and not thinking about next year already. This forced a laugh out of Christine and Jake, who pulled the two apart. Jeremy’s eyes lingered on the rest of the group, on their honest smiles and relaxed atmosphere. Chloe absentmindedly fiddling with Brooke’s hair, Jake nudging Rich’s shoulder gently, Michael staring back at Jeremy. If he could, he would live forever in that one moment._

_The innocence of the group still lingered despite everything they’d been through. In less than twenty-four hours, they’d be torn apart. Christine had a theatre camp in New York, Jake was meeting his new foster parents in a week, and Brooke had a summer course in fashion. Later in the summer, Chloe would be leaving for her family’s trip to London or Paris or wherever it was. Both Rich and Michael were getting summer jobs._

_That left Jeremy alone._

_This was the last real night they had together, and just thinking about that made a weird feeling linger in Jeremy’s chest. He laughed breathily, pushing a hand through his hair and turning to face the sunset again._

_Dumb kids, staring at the sun, pretending to be okay until tomorrow._

_They’ll be okay until tomorrow._

_If only they could just make it until tomorrow._

 

* * *

 

He woke up the next morning, and the morning after that, and the morning after that, too. He stopped getting as many visits. Every once in a while, Jeremy’s dad would come in and check on him, but something felt off. From the very moment he woke up after Chloe’s visit, he knew something was wrong.

It was another two days until Brooke visited him again. She burst through the doors, seemingly out of breath. She was a flurry of energy, bursting into the room with slightly messy hair and a sweater lazily thrown around her shoulders. “Jeremy! Oh my gosh, how are you? Everything’s been so hectic, I can’t believe I haven’t visited you in so long. Are you still not able to talk?”

Quickly sitting up in the bed, Jeremy fumbled around with his words. “No- I mean, yes? I can- I can talk. Where have you guys been? I haven’t heard from you in so long, I’ve-” 

“Jeremy, I’m really sorry, but I don’t exactly have that much time here. Is there anything you want to know about?”

“How is everyone?” The words spilled out of his mouth before he could think, this conversation moving a bit too quickly for his liking.

“Alright. Everyone’s coping. I think you’ll be gone sometime soon. We’ve all just been living here effectively, waiting for any updates. Rich really battered up his ribs but they say he’s going to be fine, probably out at the same time as Michael. As for-”

Someone cleared their throat at the door, causing both Brooke and Jeremy to whirl around and face them. It was an older man, a doctor, tapping his pen against his clipboard. “Mister Heere, it’s my pleasure to say that you’re free to go. You will be needing these, though.” He gestured to a pair of crutches, Brooke instantly grabbing them and bringing them over to Jeremy. “You broke one of your legs- as you can obviously see.” He, again, gestured to the one leg that was being held into the air. Moving to release it, the doctor gently placed it down onto the bed. “Any other internal damage that the crash caused has already been healed. You’re free to stay in the waiting room with your friends, they’re waiting for you and the other patients.” With that, he left.

Brooke helped Jeremy to his feet, lightheadedness almost instantly engulfing the boy. He couldn’t even remember what it felt like to stand. He was able to recover his footing, though, slipping his arms over the crutches and gripping onto them for dear life. The first few steps were the most awkward, but, once he was out of the room, the boy adjusted to walking again quickly. The blonde girl lead Jeremy to the waiting room where they were both instantly greeted by a hoard of kids. Jake, Jenna, and Chloe were the first to descend onto the pair, examining Jeremy, all talking to him but their words and questions all blurring together. In the flurry of movement, the boy managed to catch the eyes of Michael, who was standing back slightly.

Almost instantly, the red hoodie-wearing boy’s eyes grew glossed over. The rest of the kids, becoming aware of the interaction that was going on, parted from Jeremy to allow Michael access. Slowly at first, the taller boy made his way to Jeremy. Now hovering inches from him, he engulfed the shorter boy in a hug, nearly suffocating him. “Don’t _ever_ do that to me again, Jeremiah Heere. You hear me? I was _so worried_ about you, I- I couldn’t-”

Jeremy pulled away for him, looking Michael in the eyes. Letting out a shaky breath, the taller boy pushed a hand through his hair and sighed out a small, “I couldn’t live like that -- So worried about you and about what might happen, I just couldn’t.”

“Well, good thing that you won’t have to,” Jeremy sighed out, messing with the other boy’s hair.

 

* * *

 

Everything was calm for a while.

It was almost like nothing had changed. Emphasis on the _almost,_ though. Brooke still had her arm in a sling and Jeremy was still walking with his crutches, any reunion with friends wasn’t about to change that. However, despite this, they made the most with what they had. The group made their way around the hospital, ate lunch together in the cafeteria, and messed around in the waiting room a bit. Things were looking… well, better than before. Really, anything would be better than before to Jeremy.

That was, at least, before the doctor came.

The regular atmosphere of the room quickly dissipated as the man’s presence was acknowledged. His calm yet rigid stature set all of the kids on edge, a tense silence falling over the group. With every second that passed, the kids grew more and more wound up, just needing something to let them explode.

Eventually, it was the doctor himself to clear the silence. “Is the Canigula family present?” 

That was the blow that pushed everyone off the cliff. Brooke stood up, her hand that wasn’t in a sling curling into a fist. “We’re effectively her family! Whatever you tell them, we deserve to know it too! We’re the ones that have been waiting here!” Jenna’s hand flew up to grab Brooke’s and uncurl her fingers in a desperate attempt to calm her down. The mask of normality was quickly slipping.

“I’m sorry, miss, but we need to get in contact with her family.” The man’s voice was calm, unwavering, but his face displayed a glimmer of sympathy. That did it for Jeremy.

“I can call them,” he stated quietly, feeling eyes all over him as he reached for his phone, “Her dad is on a business trip in LA, but I’m sure her mom could get here quickly.”

Now it was Jake’s turn to join in. “Christine’s mom was here yesterday. She brought flowers and spoke to some doctors, wouldn’t tell us what it was about-” He was still talking, but Jeremy was busy on the phone.

_Ring, ring._

It’s just a phone call. 

_Ring, ring._

You’re going to be fine, Jeremy, and so is she. They probably just need her parents to be here for her to be discharged.

_Ring, ring._

Your dad was even here an hour ago, so that’s probably what this is about. Just calm down, Jeremy, calm down.

_Ring, ring._

You need to stop hyperventilating and talk to-

“Hello?”

And then, with one word, all of the hair was kicked out of Jeremy’s lungs. He struggled to find words, something, anything to say, but he couldn’t. Here she was, Mrs. Canigula, talking to him on the phone. What would she say when she found out it was him calling? It was his fault they were all here, after all. Chloe was in a heated debate with the doctor now, all of their eyes were off of him except Michael. Michael was going to see him breaking down and freaking out and then he wasn’t going to like him anymore and he was going to break off whatever they had going on and he was coming over right now to tell him how pathetic he was and-

Michael grabbed the phone and began talking. “Mrs. Canigula? It’s Michael Mell, Christine’s friend. Yeah, everything is fine. Or -- at least, I think it is. They won’t tell us -- no, just -- they won’t tell us what’s -- Mrs. Canigula you need to come to the hospital, a doctor is asking for you.”

Michael fell silent for a few moments before hanging up and handing the phone back to Jeremy, mumbling, “Sorry, I saw you and figured you could use some help.” All Jeremy could respond with was a meek nod.

The following minutes stretched on in an all-encompassing silence, making every second feel like an eternity. The thought of Christine and Rich still lying helpless in some stupid hospital bed in a room that acts more like a prison cell made Jeremy feel sick to his stomach, and it became even worse when he realized that they might be in trouble.

Half an hour after the phone call with Christine’s mom, another doctor came in and announced that Rich was recovering fine and that he would probably be out sometime soon. They didn’t want to rush his recovery, though, so they wouldn’t put a date on it.

That eased the weight hanging above everyone’s chest slightly, but it quickly returned when they saw Christine’s mom being ushered down the hall by two men. Brooke stood up to go see what they were doing, but Chloe’s death grip on her arm kept her in place.

Everything suddenly felt heavy.

Minutes passed. Or were they hours? The group couldn’t tell.

Everything felt heavy.

Christine’s mom walked past them, not making any eye contact with tear stains trailing down her face.

Everything felt heavy.

A doctor walked up to the group and Christine was pronounced dead.

Everything felt heavy.

He couldn’t hear Brooke’s sobbing or Jenna’s screaming.

It was as if Jake moved in slow motion to wrap his arms around Rich, who was now shaking.

Michael grabbed his arm to try to comfort him, but Jeremy couldn’t feel it.

He felt _numb._

He felt _horrible_.

_He_ did that.

One moment Christine was alive, and the next she was gone.

It was his fault.

All of it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry
> 
> Chapter Two might take a bit, too, because it's exam and grad season :((


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